Coming Soon to a TV near you ...

"Let's Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin." Yes, you heard right, you can now learn the ancient art of Judo with your, and our, favorite Russian leader. This high-profile DVD has even begun to rival the sale of Vodka in some Russian towns, villages, and fall-out shelters.


The instructional video has also received some attention in the good-ole USofA, as well. Accordingly, not to be out-done, many American athletic figures are in preparations to release their owns "How To" videos.



Here are a few of the fine pieces you can look forward to seeing on the shelves of your local Blockbuster (those bastards better give us that royalty they promised us for that):


"How To Lose in Life, on the Scoreboard, and Against the Spread" - Tommy Bowden

This instructional video will teach viewers how to do LESS with MORE. In economic times like theses, it is vitally important to immobilize all assets, and no one knows that better than Tommy Bowden. Thus, Tommy will teach you how to remove all firepower from your life and fade into mediocrity - it sure has worked out for him.




"How to Win and Have Fun By Knocking Mother F*ckers Out!" - Will "BOOM!" Muschamp

Will, BOOM!, will teach you how to succeed in life while still enjoying yourself. BOOM!'s patented strategy centers on eating only raw meat, hitting your opponents square in the mouth, making love to their wife, eating raw meat while making love to their wife, marking your territory with your own urine (this includes your opponent's wife), and knocking the shit out of anything with a football in its hand. BOOM!




"Learn to Speak Pterodactyl with Arian Foster" - Arian Foster

There is only one way to interview Arian Foster about his goaline fumble, goaline fumble, or goaline fumble in the upcoming weeks - Speak Pterodactyl. And now, here's your chance. I don't see Michael Phelps and Rosetta Stone offering this shit.




"How To Resist Temption - The Mark Mangino Way" - Mark Mangino

Ever wanted to eat your weight in an Orange? - "Boy have I been there." Mark will let you in on some of his dietary secrets that keep him in his athletic shape. One of his favorite tricks, instead of 6 twice-baked potatoes for breakfast, go for 12 single-baked potatoes - or better yet, 24 raw ones. Pure genius Mark, pure genius.





"How To Fry the Perfect Corn Dog" - "The Hat," Les Miles

It's not as easy as you thing, but now with Les's help, you too can enjoy the perfect corn dog. Les will also give you some great tips on how to attempt to hide that corn dog smell. Further, Les will teach you how to differentiate between a good corn dog and a poor one, to hopefully save you from making a grave mistake.